The Complexity of Parenting Neurodivergent, Gifted, and 2e Children: Why Traditional Advice Doesn’t Work

By Miranda Merrell on 9/24/2024

Miranda, founded a music and performance business as an adolescent. Now, despite a late diagnosis of ADHD, PTSD, and giftedness, she thrives as she advocates for the gifted community globally, spreading joy and compassion authentically. Miranda's journey showcases the transformative power of perseverance and her commitment to inclusivity.

The Complexity of Parenting Neurodivergent, Gifted, and 2e Children: Why Traditional Advice Doesn’t Work

Parenting advice often boils down to making sure your kids “feel loved." But when you're raising a neurodivergent, gifted, or twice-exceptional child, that idea can feel far too simplistic. I've often heard things like, “They won’t remember this when they’re older," as if that justifies pushing kids through uncomfortable situations to meet others’ unnecessary expectations. This can’t be applied to my 2e kiddos—they remember being in the womb and even recall their inner monologue as infants. So, let’s talk about what being a good parent really looks like when your children don’t fit the typical mold.

What Does It Mean for a Child to Feel Loved?

Is love just about saying “I love you" often enough? That idea misses something important: love isn’t just words, it’s actions. It’s showing up and doing what your kids need from you, their caregiver, especially when those needs differ from what most kids require.

For neurodivergent and gifted kids, love is about truly tuning in. It’s not just making sure they’re safe, fed, and not abused; it’s understanding that they might need time to process sensory input or that their emotional world is more layered than you’d expect for their age. These kids are different, and so the ways we show love to them have to be different too.

The Challenges of Parenting Differently

When most parenting advice—and what is modeled around us—doesn’t apply to our kids, it’s isolating. When I talk with other parents, I often find their experiences don’t match mine. Even small things, like daily hygiene routines, can turn into major challenges that require creative problem-solving in our household. A product that other kids love might trigger a sensory overload for mine, or a structured routine might feel suffocating instead of helpful. And let’s be real—phrases like “because I said so," or the famous “let me give you two choices,” don’t work when your child is constantly questioning, analyzing, and needing a logical explanation.

Finding the Right Support

A big part of this journey is realizing I can’t meet every single need, all the time, on my own. I’m not an expert in everything my kids love and want to learn about, and I don’t always have the energy or ability to engage with them in every way they crave. Sometimes, that means bringing other people into their lives—teachers, therapists, mentors, friends—who can give them what I can’t. It’s about finding the right support to help my children thrive.

Finding this kind of support is hard. Many resources just aren’t set up for kids like mine… or parents like me. Even playgroups, family events, or daycare situations can feel overwhelming when my kids are constantly misunderstood for being exactly who they are.

Misunderstood: As a Parent, As a Family

It’s not just the children who feel out of place. We, as parents, often face criticism or confusion. People see us and wonder why we’re “so strict" about certain things or think that we’re overdoing it with accommodations.

And then there’s the heart-wrenching experience of watching your kids be misunderstood by their peers, teachers, or other parents. Our family is accustomed to getting looks and comments like “What’s wrong with your kid?” or “What’s wrong with you for not handling this situation the way most people would?” There’s nothing wrong with us, thank you. We’re just aware of things others rarely see.

Rethinking What Parenting Success Looks Like

Most parenting techniques don’t work for us. They don’t account for the kind of adaptability we need. Parenting neurodivergent, gifted, or twice-exceptional kids isn’t about following a set of rules. “Consistency is key,” as they say, but really, it’s about being flexible, thinking creatively, and doing whatever it takes to help your child feel seen, understood, and supported.

It’s about tuning in to your child’s world and making sure they feel like they belong in it. It’s hard work. It can be lonely. And it’s deeply rewarding. It is incredible watching your child discover and express their authentic selves when they feel safe to do so. When they know they’re loved for who and how they are, and their so-called “bad behavior” is understood as nonverbal communication for unmet needs, they naturally grow into the most awe-inspiring and delightful versions of themselves.

That’s the kind of parenting I’m here for, and here to support. It’s the kind of parenting I think we all wished we had as children.