complex

By solomon on May 1, 2025

take my word for it.

complex

 

CW: psychological trauma, visceral medical imagery, death

I realized I never gave much thought to the actual meaning of the phrase

post-traumatic stress

i think now i sort of take it for granted, i mean honestly, what other kind of stress is there

it's weird to me that at a certain point it had to be specified

that there's the stress of the trauma

and then there's also post-traumatic stress?

and it's not the same stress as the original stress?

you're telling me

that it's considered abnormal

to feel the stress of a traumatic event

after it has stopped actively happening.

enough to have a specific phrase

that isn't just “trauma"

or “stress"

as if they don't already depend on each other to exist

to my mind as it exists in this current age of discovery 

it seems so obvious a connection

and also a particularly curious one

the way we walk around this society we've built

and talk about safety

when it's possible to feel like your life is in danger

sitting in an office

or walking around the mall

but instead of screaming and running

we push it way

way

down

and continue telling ourselves that we're safe

in whatever way we can

we find a distraction

and when you're living in a world that's been purchased with dollars and cents

you tend to need those dollars to survive

and without easy access to them,

there's an ever-looming possibility

of a threat to your survival

the specter of death following you around

like the debt collector he is

come to make good on overdue accounts

without the guarantee of sufficient income

you walk on thin ice

and when you know that

and have to keep walking around

and engaging in polite society

and acting like a person who is in most ways feeling safe

and you have to keep up this pretense

like your life depends on it

because a little bit,

or probably more

it really does depend on it

what that is

is a constant inflow

of traumatic stress

given as an IV drip

and when you spend your waking hours

walking the line between the shadow of poverty and death on one side

and the lies you have to tell yourself and the people you love, on the other

your sense of safety depends on

convincing yourself that the lies are true.

and what better way to do that

than the luxuries and comforts we buy

with our dollars and cents

the drugs

the vice

the sweet sweet sugar

that we can't keep off our tongues

those dopamine hits

that aren't supposed to be accessible

when you're being hunted through the woods like a dog

“here, brain" you say

“that feels good, right?

so you feel safe now... right?"

and you tell that story

until your mind believes it

and your body learns

that the IV drip

isn't going anywhere

and so like it always has done

it adapts

and dopamine

becomes your safety

the only safety you're going to get

and that trauma

and the things you do to disguise it

are stuffed deep down

where polite society cannot see it

cannot know about it

like a shield volcano

an abscess in the earth

filling to the brim

with pus and magma

and teasing you with the fact

that you cannot know

exactly when the eruption will come

you just know that it will

but you tell the stories

and you trick your body

to keep up the niceties

of polite society

because that's what is keeping you safe

that's what is keeping you safe

you've just gotta keep it up

a little

bit

longer

-solomon