What is Radical Acceptance?

By Dr. Patty Gently on November 4, 2024

Bright Insight Support Network founder and president Dr. Patricia Gently is a trauma therapist and coach who specializes in EMDR and works with gifted neurodivergent and other marginalized populations. She is an experienced author, educator, and presenter who promotes integrated inclusivity, a holistic understanding of neurodiversity, and information integrity.

What is Radical Acceptance?

Sometimes I just want my heart to not hurt. Sometimes I would prefer not to feel at all. It is the curse of the emotionally overexcitable to feel e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Yet, I do not believe the experiences of avoidance and blunting are exclusive to deep feelers. It may just be human. It is just human. The overexcitabilities may crank it up or complicate it. However we likely all feel it.

Avoiding pain or discomfort by ignoring, fleeing, or fighting it can certainly serve as a viable short-term solution. What happens when the hidden pieces stack up unsteadily and then topple? We hear this one too: if you do not deal with your problems or acknowledge your emotions, they can manifest in unwanted ways. Sometimes these ways look like chronic health issues. Sometimes we end up with mental health diagnoses. Sometimes we mistreat our loved ones.

Sometimes we mistreat ourselves.

How can you look at all the 'hard' though, when you are trying to also move forward? And what about when the hard is traumatic and triggering? This is where the concept of radical acceptance may come in handy- among other areas (all areas) of our lives.

What is radical acceptance though?

A Definition of Radical Acceptance.

To properly explore radical acceptance, we need to define it. On the Bright Insight Terms Page, which pulls many of its definitions from my book Intersection of Intensity: Exploring Giftedness and Trauma, I define radical acceptance as:

...the practice of fully and completely accepting reality as it is, without judgment, resistance, or attempts to change it. It involves acknowledging and embracing the present moment, including painful or difficult experiences, without attempting to deny or avoid them. Radical acceptance also involves letting go of the struggle against what cannot be changed and finding peace within oneself. It does not mean approving of or condoning the situation. Instead, it means choosing to accept it as an undeniable reality.

Radical acceptance invites us to acknowledge that pain is part of being alive, and perhaps this is especially so for those who experience these lives with great intensity. Accepting this isn’t about resigning to suffering though. It is about releasing the resistance that so often amplifies it. When we try to avoid or bury hurt, it doesn’t disappear—it just waits. Radical acceptance is more like a gentle invitation to sit with what is, so the weight of it can settle. In allowing the fullness of our emotions, maybe we find strength in leaning into what hurts or scares us, seeing that we are capable of holding it and moving forward anyway.

What Radical Acceptance Is Not

While discussing this concept in the Bloomers: Gifted and 2e Adults group, a dear friend offered a challenge related to how some might confuse radical acceptance with radical self-acceptance. This is an important one to address.

The term 'radical acceptance' can carry a broad interpretive range, and I understand how it might be read as promoting self-acceptance in isolation from external context—a perspective that aligns with some of today’s more self-focused cultural narratives. However, this is not the intended meaning (and I appreciate it being raised). As I’m using it—and as I hope it to be understood—'radical acceptance' refers to a comprehensive alignment with the entirety of what is, including both our internal experiences and the realities around us, especially those aspects beyond our control.

This acceptance isn’t centered solely on the self; rather, it invites us to recognize and integrate external conditions alongside our inner responses, fostering a balanced acceptance of the interplay between self and environment. To make this clearer within the noun-phrase itself, one could consider phrasing that conveys its dual nature, such as 'radical acceptance of what is.' This wording points interpretation beyond the self and toward an inclusive awareness of external factors and limitations—especially relevant since these are often the factors we have less control over anyway, right? I hope this helps mitigate any misinterpretation that 'radical acceptance' is meant as purely internal or self-focused acceptance.

In addition to clarifying this differentiation between acceptance of what self is and acceptance of what just is, it is also important to clarify that radical acceptance is not about condoning or allowing abuse, nor is it an invitation to become a doormat or silent spectator when faced with injustice. Accepting reality as it is does not mean passively accepting harmful behavior or compromising one’s own boundaries. Rather, radical acceptance involves acknowledging difficult truths without denial, while still recognizing our agency and boundaries. It’s a mindset that allows for clarity and informed action, rather than resigning to situations that compromise our values or well-being.

Is or is not though- how do we achieve it? How can we access and use radical acceptance beyond the self and in the face of a sometimes unjust world?

How to Access and Apply Radical Acceptance

Accessing and applying radical acceptance is a gradual, intentional process that involves learning to fully acknowledge reality as it is, without judgment or resistance, even when reality includes discomfort, loss, or hurt. Here are some steps that can help make radical acceptance more tangible and actionable:

1. Recognize What You’re Resisting: Notice moments when you find yourself pushing away reality, whether it’s through denial, distraction, or numbing. It’s natural to want to avoid pain. However, awareness really is the first step toward acceptance. Ask yourself: What am I unwilling to accept here?

2. Acknowledge Without Judgment: Radical acceptance requires dropping judgments about what should or shouldn’t be happening. This means noticing feelings like “this isn’t fair” or “I shouldn’t have to deal with this” and setting them aside gently. You might say to yourself: It is what it is, and I’m here with it.

3. Focus on the Present Moment: Instead of fixating on why something happened or what might come next, ground yourself in the present. Practicing mindfulness—focusing on your breathing, sensations in your body, or sights and sounds around you—helps calm the mind and allows acceptance to grow. Radical acceptance isn’t about forgetting or fixing; it’s about being here, now.

4. Validate Your Emotions: Accepting reality also means accepting the emotions and thoughts about it. Recognize that your thoughts and feelings are legitimate and that even seeming negative or difficult emotions have a place. You might say: It’s okay that I feel this way- my feelings are valid.

5. Let Go of the Need for Control: Oof, right!? Often, resistance is rooted in a desire to control the uncontrollable (this is where my inner 6-year-old likes to dig in her heels). Radical acceptance invites you to release that need. Remind yourself: I may not have chosen this, and I can consider how to move forward.

6. Commit to Self-Compassion: Radical acceptance can stir up difficult emotions. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend or child (enter inner child work). Remind yourself that the path to acceptance is rarely smooth and that you are capable.

7. Practice Allowing Thoughts to Flow: When you feel overwhelmed, imagine letting your thoughts and feelings flow through you, like waves (I like to say, flow like H2O because well, it rhymes). Don’t force yourself to like or agree with everything; simply observe and allow them to exist.

8. Reframe Acceptance as Growth: By viewing it as an empowering process that builds self-awareness rather than “giving up,” radical acceptance helps you face challenges without avoidance, strengthening your ability to handle future hardships and uncertainty. Each act of acceptance becomes a testament to your inner strength, showing that you can hold and learn from difficult emotions rather than be defined by them.

9. Acknowledge Your Limits: Radical acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating what is harmful or staying in situations that damage your well-being. Accept reality as it is, while acknowledging your right to set boundaries, seek change where possible, and protect yourself from further harm.

10. Reflect on What You’ve Learned/Gained: Regularly check in with yourself. What did I learn from this experience of acceptance? What did I notice about myself? Over time, you may find that radical acceptance brings clarity, strength, or ability you hadn’t accessed before.

Radical acceptance can be transformative, offering a way to meet life fully, even when it’s painful. Embracing this approach doesn’t mean you won’t feel hurt or grief—it means you’ll likely hurt AND find a way to hold those feelings without being overwhelmed by them. In acceptance, there is a gentle, powerful strength that allows for forward momentum.

Notice this AND though... it is important.

Embracing the AND

Those who know me well enough know that my favorite word is AND. Yes... AND. If you read the ten suggestions above, in fact, you will see its use or words like 'while' repeatedly. For example, in step 6 about cultivating self-compassion, I suggest you remind yourself that the path to acceptance is rarely smooth AND that you are capable. Typically, when reading and speaking English, we say something like: remind yourself that the path to acceptance is rarely smooth, but you are capable! Well, that is a lovely idea, however, by saying BUT, we suggest that one part of this sentence is more important than the other.

You are capable so the hard path doesn't matter!

Oh. Wait. What? No. You are capable AND the path is difficult. By using the AND, you acknowledge that both capability and difficulty exist in a way that is radically accepting of both. Though it may be difficult, acknowledging and allowing reality as it is, allows us to also work toward what might be from an honest and open space.

So try it on. See if you can use AND instead of BUT, and see if some radical acceptance and allowing might shift your perspective. It can be difficult AND I bet you can do it.